Why do we have conflict? Some people suggest that conflict is a vital part of change and evolution and therefore has intrinsic benefits. Conflicts can also be seen to be an unavoidable part of life that can range from minor interpersonal disputes to life changing events. When they are poorly managed they may result in possible devastating emotional and financial implications for all involved. Therefore successfully managing conflict is likely to involve developing awareness to reduce the negative emotional impact. Whilst simultaneously adapting to change in order to maximise the chances of a successful outcome.
It may be of value to consider some general thinking tips, on how (not) to manage conflict. In order to begin to navigate some of the mind fields of inevitable disputes and do something different!
Early Warning: The majority of interactional conflicts subtly occur over a period of time rather than being random events. Frequently you will begin to feel as if something is wrong, you may be uncomfortable or uncertain about a particular person or group. However in order to not manage conflict, you should ignore these natural warning signals. After all the human brain has evolved to have mirror neurones, which not only can match people’s actions but possibly recognise their intent and emotion. Why act now at this early point to address the issue when by leaving it and ignoring your own intuition, it may well escalate the dispute.
First impression: Tensions may naturally begin to rise after you have inadvertently formed a negative impression such as them being manipulative, based on very limited information about someone else and how they really are. Do not question the validity of such a conclusion, or that someone may be more complex than your assumption, that they could be acting in a way for reasons that are different to your understanding. Far better that no matter how well you observe someone else’s behaviour, simply use it to confirm your initial negative opinion. That the very fact they are subsequently acting in such a positive way towards you only confirms how manipulative they really are. This approach is very likely to move you closer to conflict.
Same old: There appear to be a number of recognisable patterns that may occur in developing disputes. One of which can be identified as often maintaining and amplifying the conflict. Simply decide on your position and then keep to it no matter what happens. As tensions begin to rise, stick rigidly to your guns with no room for flexibility or including any element of what the other side may value in your solution. Consider this is the only solution possible and there is only one way to achieve it. Subsequently even if you don’t appear to be getting far, ignore this feedback in favour of employing your approach more and more forcefully. This simple strategy can often successfully maintain and even amplify small disputes into much more serious matters.
Character flaw: In conflicts fuelled by considerable animosity, some people choose to interpret any behavioural action that they perceive negative as indicative of an underlying symptomology (ie crazy, narcissist, addict, personality disorder). This is frequently employed to validate and give more credibility to their own opinion and position. They may subsequently look for damming evidence to prove this diagnosis to the world, to the degree that the initial conflict becomes the secondary point of contention. All you have to do is make the self-diagnosis based on random observation and watch with the bonus that the conflict can never be resolved until they admit it.
Sound of Silence: Many people will allow growing negative emotions to build up rather than to express them in an attempt to keep the peace or simply follow orders. The predictable result is that as your emotions continue to build, sooner or later they are likely to be expressed in disproportionate ways. Possibly with catastrophic consequences that come from emotional outbursts and volcanic eruptions.
What do you mean: We all frequently may think that other people are very similar to us. From a genetic perspective this may well be correct. However people are likely to think differently, feel differently, behave differently and may communicate their reality in a multitude of ways. Remain completely oblivious that people’s style of communication may be very different to yours and that some people are goal focused, others like detail, some prefer creativity, whilst others value emotional connections. Therefore you can easily interpret the other person as being either self-opinionated, controlling, insensitive, off point, distracting, time wasting, on another planet, overly emotional, needy and manipulative. All of which is guaranteed to diminish the value you give to their communication leading, possible deepening disputes.
All your fault: Some people analyse conflict by looking solely towards others to take responsibility for its development. They perceive admitting any personal responsibility as an insufferable sign of weakness or guilt. Make sure you look at the situation from only your perspective and how it’s impacted you to always find others at fault. Subsequently review the past as an endless supply of bad things that were done to you to increase your feelings of injustice. If anyone tries to tell you anything else, forget to listen to them as they don’t deserve to be heard as it’s all their fault.
This or that: Many conflicts are likely to involve both specific details and broader relationship difficulties. It is frequently difficult for individuals to separate the specific content from the emotional response. To focus purely on the detail in such a dispute is likely to give the impression you are cold, insensitive, that you are probably calculating and do not care about anyone else. On the other hand if your attention is purely on the emotional relationship issues, you are likely to be interpreted as avoidant of a solution, acrimonious, bitter, stuck in the past and extremely stubborn.
Be exclusive: In disputes people may inadvertently adopt different types of exclusive thinking, to focus purely on their thoughts, feelings and wishes. This is not necessarily due to them being selfish, but rather can be understood as being a polarising of their position when under perceived threat. By not engaging in inclusive thinking that would possibly involve trying to understand the other side of the conflict, but rather initially labelling it as simply right or wrong. It is likely to result in a minimisation of your understanding, greater inflexibility and intensification of your fear of that persons intentions. Naturally leading to further black or white thinking and that you must now beat them at any cost.
Can’t hear you. Sometimes people feel very uncomfortable if someone expresses their concerns openly and perceive it as some kind of threat, particularly if they think it is personally about them. Rather than being self-assured that it may not be and actively listen to such concerns in order to try and understand the situation. Or if not at least build a level of trust and mutual respect from engaging in open communication. Act defensively and refuse to talk about it or even listen, sometimes called “stone wall”. The likely by product of this being the creation or intensification of the unresolved conflict.
(Bonus Ball) The prophecy. If there is a possibility that a dispute may happen, some people are likely to be on the alert and even fear the potential for loss of something, futhermore that they will not be able to deal with it. When they feel insecure, they will frequently adopt overprotective behaviour based on this prediction. It is this very behaviour that can be easily misinterpreted by others as disproportionate and indicative of you gearing up for a fight. They naturally respond to protect themselves from your threatening behaviour of which you were unaware you exhibited. Subsequently in your heightened state of alert you retaliate to defend yourself. The result is both sides engage in a possible conflict with a considerable emotional and financial cost and ultimately both experience loss. All you have to do is to remain blissfully unaware of your role in the development of the dispute to have a really big bust up!
Gavin Emerson – Director Emerson Srategies
info@emersonstrategies.co.uk
